CONFESSIONS FROM TOBY MORRELL: “I’M WORRIED AND IT’S KILLING ME”

I want to say "Thank you" to each and every one of you who reads our words. We really enjoy doing this and have been amazed at your responses and interest.

With that being said, I want to use this post to reveal a little about us; and in particular, me.

In case there's some crazy way on earth that you didn't already know this, we are not heroes, nor are we anywhere close to having our lives totally together. This website is not about us having it all figured out so we can tell how to live; we have no magical application to make your life amazing. BadChristian is about the hope that we (Joey, Toby, and Matt) can really be honest in our lives. It's to show what Jesus has done for us and it really has nothing to do with anything we've done ourselves. Maybe through this website a couple of you will be honest too.

I’d like to tell you all that I struggle with worry.  I am worried I am going to die suddenly or maybe have a hidden tumor I don’t know about.  I’ll get a weird feeling sometimes and immediately go into “this could be serious” mode.  I also worry about money and not having enough for my family.  I worry that my kids will get hurt or sick and I wont be able to help them or stop it from happening, and that ultimately I will be a bad dad.  I worry about the songs I write and that they are too cheesy or that no one will buy them because they suck.

You get the point?  I worry.  I want to say that I don’t.  I really want to call these worries “concerns.”  I mean, concerns sounds like a responsible person trying to think out their next steps.  But, if I call these thoughts “concerns” then on top of all the worry, I also become a liar.

Now you ask, “Where is Jesus in all of this?”

Well to be honest He’s right with me.  If anyone knows I’m going to sin, it’s Jesus.  It doesn’t surprise or shock Him at all that I look inward and try to do life without Him. Yet when I worry and put all these burdens on my shoulders, I actually can’t even move.  I get stuck and I get to a point where I realize I can’t go forward without a little help.  That’s when that stupid lightbulb pops on over my head and I pray.

Now realize, my worry almost never immediately subsides.  The problems don’t become miraculously fixed, but I do feel better.  I can start moving towards the answers, and at that point, that’s what I really need.  I need Him everyday.  I share the load.  Sometimes I carry a little, while Jesus carries a lot; but, more often, I carry nothing and Jesus carries it all.

His strength is fully revealed when I am weak. Actually, that happens like every ten to fifteen minutes.