POETRY BY JOEY: “A DOWNLOAD FROM BADCHRISTIAN”

Having trouble getting into the Christmas spirit? Feeling some anxiety from the stresses of the season? Don't panic - Joey is here to help you find some yuletide cheer with this sure to be future classic: "A Download from BadChristian". Enjoy!

A Download from BadChristian

BY JOEY SVENDSEN

(inspired by “A Visit from Saint Nicholas.”)

BY CLEMENT CLARKE MOORE

‘Twas the night before Monday, when all through BC,

Matt was editing vigorously, as Joey ate with glee;

The asshole in place on Yahoo with his beard,

In hopes that his news is respected and feared;

The listeners were posting, “say Jesus” from their beds;

While they wondered if Joey is still on his meds;

With Logan lost in atheism, and we shouldn’t tip our hats,

Or he’ll zap our brains, sending us to hell with no coming back.

When right on the mic, there arose such a clatter,

Joey sprang from his lounging to eat and get fatter.

Away to the door Toby opened for Neal.

Neal said open the door, damn, what’s the deal?

“These pizzas are heavy, I can’t hold them no more.

I’m serious, what the f#*%.  Open the damn door.”

When trying to decipher through Toby’s crazy tirade against men,

Oh, no big deal.  Just talking shit about Derek Webb again.

With an epic interview, so lively and long,

Joey, no dumb questions like, “what’s your favorite song?”

Then our time with Toby and his stupid ass news,

With all his dumb subjects that deserve only boo’s:

“Now, boobs! now, penises! now burglars and affairs!

On, divorce on, BBQ! on, beer and maiming by bears!

To the top of his voice, he smiles with pride!

Matt’s fake affirmation and Joey just wants to cry.

All three of the guys scramble for a joke to end,

Toby thinking of a fat one; damn, Joey just can’t win;

Some listeners are happy, but some want to curse.

They wanted us to be harsher and bust them with a verse.

But you, listener, in a twinkling, forgot about your crotch.

You’re about to look at porn.  Better get some X3Watch.

As Matt, Toby, and Joey get ready for another show.

We think it’s cool that you guys think of us as “bro.”

Thanks for downloading, subscribing, and listening to us talk.

Now go to the BC store and buy for Christmas our stuff in bulk.

Even if you don’t, we think you’re pretty tight.

“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”